Ghosts
by EDSidekick
Summary: What would happen if Taylor was re-admitted to the ED now and not in a good way. Would Cal and Ethan be forced to confront the ghosts of the past and the fears of the future. Little one-shot. (Sorry - not a great description - or title! It's actually more brother fluff than anything to do with Taylor!)
The day started off like any other, Connie called the team together and gave them their work assignments for the shift, then stalked off to her meeting; she was on an admin day but would be around if things got hectic.

Cal was pleased to hear that he was to be in charge of Resus. He was finding that lately Connie was giving him more chances to prove himself and to take the lead, and he was up for some good cases today to continue to prove how far he had come. He was feeling more positive again, time had come around, slowly Ethan was letting him back in more, although Cal knew he was simply indulging his brother and his current wishes, anything was better than being frozen out like when his secret had first been revealed.

He glanced across at his brother now, he was standing at the admin desk talking to Jacob and Robyn, and suddenly the three of them starting laughing. A small smile found its way to Cal's lips as he saw his brother's eyes momentarily light up. For a moment he had his Ethan back, no stress, no worry, no life limiting disease. But he knew it couldn't last. And he knew this carefree Ethan, the Ethan that wanted to get out and live and try new things, would soon fall, and he would need his big brother more than anything. And while it was nice to be needed by someone who had always coped, always managed alone, Cal would do anything to take it away from him so he didn't have to be the 'big brother' for that reason. Any other reason but that.

"Cal, your patient." Lily said, snapping him back to life, nodding towards where Iain and Jez were wheeling someone in. She walked off towards cubicles with the card for her first patient. Suddenly Jacob was right behind him, pushing open the doors to resus so the paramedics could bring the patient through and give their handover.

Ethan had gone with Robyn through to see his first patient in cubicles; a police officer who had fallen during a pursuit on foot and had fractured his arm. Ethan assessed his arm, there was a definite break in the ulna and likely the radius too, so asked Robyn to give him some pain relief while he ordered an x-ray to check to see if it was a simple fracture that could be simply plastered or whether he might require surgery. He left the cubical to order the x-ray and as he looked up he saw Cal storm out of Resus and into the stock room. Ethan furrowed his brow, wondering what had gotten into Cal but before he could appease his curiosity, he was being called over by Charlie who needed some urgent pain relief written up for his patient.

Cal was stood in the stock cupboard, he didn't even realise that was where he was headed until he was stood holding onto a shelf to steady himself, trying to control his erratic breathing. That was not something he had expected to see when he came into work this morning; he knew ghosts of the past had a way of reappearing into the present, but this ghost seemed to be relentless and every time she reappeared she devastated his life more than ever. He wasn't sure if he could do it again.

"Cal?" Ethan's voice came gently from the doorway shortly after he had managed to calm himself down. "Cal, what's wrong?" Cal looked up, seeing the concerned eyes of his little brother made him wobble again. He shook his head, unable to find the words he needed. Ethan just watched his brother carefully from the doorway, unsure what his next move should be.

"It's nothing Ethan, it's fine." Cal said taking a deep breath and moving towards the doorway to go past his brother and back out into the department. Ethan grabbed his arm as he tried to get past.

"Cal, it's not nothing, come on?" Ethan urged.

"No really, I need to get on, my patient is sick, she needs me." He said walking past as Ethan just stood rooted to the spot watching him go. Perhaps that's all it was, perhaps he was just affected by his patient. It could happen, Ethan knew that, sometimes some of them just quickly got under your skin, and when you knew there was likely nothing you could do for them, it was hard. He let out a sigh and went back to his patients in cubicles.

Cal went back through the doors of resus, where Jacob had just taken the bloods to be sent off.

"I'll get these bloods sent off." Jacob said quickly.

"I'm going to do a FAST scan, we're probably looking at internal bleeding, can you get onto the surgical team, see if there is an emergency slot?" Cal instructed, slipping back into clinical mode.

"Sure thing." Jacob said coolly as he slid out of the doors.

Cal found himself alone with her. The woman who had broken his heart, more than once. She had used him, made a fool of him, conned him, and then given and taken away the best thing that had ever happened to him. And when he thought of all of the fallout since finding out Matilda wasn't his, well it made him hate her even more. Subconsciously he balled up his fists, feeling the anger rising for what she had done to him and his brother. He couldn't decide if it was better that they had found out about Emilie being their real mum, and that they had been given the small chance of a reconciliation and answers before her death, or if living in ignorance until Ethan's condition got the better of him and it became known what they were dealing with would be better. Cal thought he would probably prefer the latter, but then that had always been his problem hadn't it? He always wanted to hide from his problems, bury his head in the sand, isn't that what Ethan had said to him. His own confession to Charlie some months ago had identified his cowardly ways when things went wrong and he felt out of control. But at least if they didn't know, they wouldn't feel like Ethan was a ticking time bomb, waiting for him to explode but not knowing when that might be. Then he wouldn't be carrying out the ridiculous charade of 'living his life' while he still could, trying to 'be more Cal'. Sure, Cal understood where he was coming from, and he thought it was good that Ethan was letting loose and enjoying himself a bit more, but he didn't want him to lose himself completely. Ethan was Ethan, and that's why Cal loved him; his geeky, awkward, nervous side, that was fun to rib him for, the kind hearted, thoughtful person he was, that's what made Ethan special. Cal blinked away the tears that were forming in his eyes and snapped his focus back to her.

After doing the FAST scan, he shone his pen torch into her eyes again, but she was still unconscious, though deep down he was grateful for that. He was just listening to her chest again, reassessing her breathing when Jacob returned.

"Let's get her through to CT. I want a head and chest/abdo/pelvic scan to see exactly what's going on." Cal said as they pushed her through on the trolley to the scanner room.

Ethan meanwhile had gone back to the police officer with the broken arm to give him the x-ray results.

"Well, the good news is the fracture is somehow only on your ulna, and it is simple, so we can put a cast on and refer you to the fracture clinic where they will follow you up. The bad news is; it probably means some time off work while it heals." Ethan smiled at him.

"It will be worth a broken arm if we got the absconded prisoner back to where she should be." The policeman smiled, the painkillers clearly having some effect.

"Well, I hope that you got the outcome you wanted."

"Peter, your colleague is outside, can I let him in? He was concerned after seeing you fall." Robyn asked.

"Sure." The policeman nodded. Robyn showed another officer into the cubical.

"How are you mate? You gave me a bit of a fright when you went over."

"Never mind that, I'm fine. Just tell me we got her?"

"Yes, she was apprehended, however, she also had a fall, a bit more serious than yours so she is also receiving treatment here."

"Well, you'd better watch she doesn't flash them those bewitching eyes and con her way out of here, I wouldn't put it past that Taylor from what I've seen of her." Peter chuckled. Ethan felt his blood run cold at the name and his jaw dropped open.

"I-I'm sorry, did you say Taylor?"

"Yes, the escaped prisoner. Taylor Ashbie." Peter's colleague nodded. "We were following up on intel about her whereabouts and we managed to close in and catch her, although not without Peter here ending up with a few bumps and scrapes."

"So what happened to her then?" Peter asked his colleague, but Ethan didn't hear any more. He slowly backed out of the cubical, absorbing what he had just heard. Taylor was here, she was being treated after a fall, but he hadn't been asked to see anyone, he desperately hoped Lily was currently treating her, but his instincts told him otherwise. No, he knew exactly where she was, and that was why he had seen Cal storming into the stock room earlier, and that was why he looked like he had seen a ghost; because he had. Ethan needed to get to him now. Cal needed him. And Ethan needed to know Cal wasn't going to do anything stupid.

Ethan ran towards resus, but seeing it empty, he became more panicked. He looked around but couldn't see anyone. He hurried back towards the reception desk to Noel.

"Noel, Noel, the woman who was brought into resus just now, what was her name?"

"Um, Taylor Ashbie." Noel said, looking at the computer. "I've just had some notes come through for her." He said handing Ethan the buff file. Ethan grabbed them quickly and headed back off quickly with Noel staring in confusion after him. As Ethan rushed back towards Resus, he saw Jacob and Cal wheeling a trolley back through from the scanner room.

"Cal!" Ethan called after him. "Cal, I'm here." Ethan breathed. Jacob looked confused a he reattached the heart monitor, and then headed off to get some more equipment, leaving the brothers to it.

"What's wrong Ethan?" Cal asked, unsure why he felt the need to burst in and announce his arrival.

"Cal I know it's Taylor." He said looking at the woman on the trolley. She didn't look to be in a good way. "Are you ok?"

"She's just like any other patient Ethan, nothing special." Cal shrugged, but Ethan could see the sadness in his face mixed with anger in his eyes as he said it. Ethan opened his mouth to speak, but then Cal looked up at the monitor. "She's deteriorating; I need to get her intubated." Cal said, gathering the equipment he would need. Ethan jumped alongside him, both of them skilfully working together to intubate her to try and stabilise her again.

"She's bleeding internally; I need to check on the CT scan." Cal said picking up the tablet and bringing up the images and report. "Oh God!" He suddenly exclaimed.

"What is it?" Ethan's head snapped up.

"She's got a massive cerebral haemorrhage, look at this." Cal said, holding the tablet out to Ethan, who took a sharp intake of breath as he saw it.

"Right, I need to call the neurosurgeons now. Ethan, get some mannitol up." Cal ordered. Ethan stayed staring at the scan, seeing what Cal probably wasn't yet willing to accept; this was not going to have a good outcome. "Ethan!" Cal hissed while he was waiting on the phone. Ethan put the tablet down and attached some mannitol to Taylor's drip. He took the opportunity to look at her pupils, realising that the left pupil has blown and was fixed. Jacob came back in at that moment, and Ethan looked up and shook his head. As if perfectly timed, the cardiac monitor went off, Taylor had arrested. Between Cal, Ethan and Jacob, they did everything they could, with Cal forcefully taking the lead until Ethan called him out.

"Cal, it's time to stop this. She's gone."

"No, we just need to keep trying, we can get her back, get her to surgery." Cal said almost desperately.

"Cal, she has a massive brain injury. The bleed is probably bigger then when you did the scan and putting more pressure on her brain as we speak, even if we did get her heart going again, which we aren't going to, she would be brain dead for sure; and even if we did get her to surgery, which we won't, she won't make it out again. Cal it's time to stop." Ethan said calmly, trying to get Cal to see sense. Cal looked at his brother, then to Jacob and then back to Ethan, then he nodded slowly, taking a couple of unsteady steps backwards.

"Time of death, 11:43." Ethan stated simply, as Jacob switched off the monitor. "I'm sorry Cal." Ethan said quietly, walking towards his brother while Jacob started to tidy up around Taylor. Cal backed away, shaking his head, then he turned and hurried out, heading towards the external doors of the ED. Ethan quickly followed him.

"Cal? Cal are you ok?" Ethan said, putting his hand on his brother's arm gently, trying not to feel bad as Cal flinched slightly.

"I'm fine Ethan, I just needed some air."

"Cal, I know you're not fine."

"It's not like she mattered to me." Cal shrugged.

"You have history with her, as painful as it might be, and as much as you want to avoid it, I'm sure it brought it all back."

"I guess."

"Cal, talk to me, I'm here for you." Ethan said gently.

"But it should be the other way. I should be here for you."

"But I'm fine, it's you who's struggling today."

"No, it's all my fault Ethan. All of this mess. And it all started when I met her."

"I know, she put you through a lot. But it's over now. You can move on."

"But it's you that deserves to be able to move on, and look what I've done to you."

"You haven't done anything to me Cal."

"But if it wasn't for Taylor, and Matilda, we would never have found out about the adoption, and the Huntington's and everything."

"But it still would have happened Cal. I have the disease, and there's nothing either of us can do to change it." Ethan said, his voice breaking slightly. "Knowing, not knowing, either way, it would have ended the same. But none of that is your fault. You didn't give it to me. You merely discovered the possibility first."

"Oh Ethan, I wish I could take it away." Cal fought away a sob that was trying to escape.

"I know, so do I, but it isn't going to happen." Ethan said quietly.

"It's not fair, it should have been me, you were right."

"No I wasn't, I never should have said that, I told you I was just upset and angry. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

"Cal, please, you have to stop apologising like you're responsible for all of this. I'm trying my best to move on and make the most of time. Time I want to enjoy with my brother, but I can't do that if you're constantly feeling guilty and apologising because it was me and not you."

"But you don't understand the overwhelming guilt I'm feeling. I know that's selfish of me because you're the one facing it, but the guilt is tearing me apart. I watch you, seeing you acting normally, getting on with things, trying to have fun, adopting your 'be more Cal' mantra, and I want to indulge you, but it just hurts me more."

"I'm sorry you're hurting Cal, but I have to do this, I can't put everything on hold anymore, I don't know how long I might have, I need to live."

"I want you to live, I want you to have everything, I want to make it happen for you, but I can't and it kills me. See, it's selfish."

"It's not selfish Cal, it's natural to feel like that. Like when parents have to watch their kids go through illness and disease, they would give anything to take it away, but they can't. But you can't keep looking at me like that, or you'll never get over it, then suddenly you'll be looking back wishing you hadn't wasted the time you could have had."

"I know you're right. Look at this, you're the one facing it all, and you're still the one talking the most sense and facing up to everything better than me." Cal half laughed and half sobbed.

"It's just my way." Ethan smiled slightly, giving Cal's shoulder a squeeze.

"Oh Ethan, please, just promise me you won't hide from me, promise you'll talk to me and let me help you. Let me be the big brother."

"Cal, I promise. You're my big brother, and nothing will change that. I will always need you in my life, we've been through too much to let that go now. And maybe somehow we have Taylor to thank for that. And it's not just needing Cal, I want you in my life."

"And I want my brother back. I want the real Ethan, yes an Ethan who has fun is great, but I don't want you to lose who you really are, because that Ethan is special."

"I'm still me Cal, it's just that this diagnosis has made me realise that my time is now more precious and that every moment I'm here and still me is special, and I can't take it for granted."

"I know. But-"

"No, I can't look back in 5 or 10 years' time and think, I wish I'd done this, or seen that. I've got to do it now. And I'm going to, and I'd love it if I had my brother right there with me, because as much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared Cal, really scared."

"Oh Ethan." Cal sighed, now placing his arm on his brother's shoulder and really having to fight back the tears.

"I didn't want to admit it Cal, it was easier not saying it out loud, but I am. I don't know when, or where it's going to hit me, all I know is that it will, and then my life as I know it will never be the same. All I know is I'll never meet someone special, I'll never get married or have a family, or retire after a fulfilling career. All the things I always took for granted that would be part of my life, they aren't going to happen. So the things I can achieve are the things I have to grab at now. Do you see?"

"I see. But why can't you have those things Ethan?"

"I can't commit to someone knowing that the end will come when they aren't my wife, my partner in life, but my carer. I can't do that to someone, I can't live like that. And I can't have children knowing that I could do to them what I've had done to me. I won't do it."

"But all I'm saying is don't write it off Ethan." Cal said looking at him sadly.

"You'll have to do it for me. Become a top consultant, settle down and be a family man, make me proud Cal, it all rests on you." Ethan smiled at him again.

"I can't, you were always the good one, you were the one who was going to be the high achiever, I can't take that away from you. You still have time." Cal said almost desperately.

"Well, maybe my achievement in life will be to make you realise how much you can achieve."

"And maybe mine is to make you realise you still have time to achieve the things you want." Cal looked at his brother intensely. "But either way, I'm here for you Ethan, whatever you need, whenever you need it. You'll always have me; I'll always be your brother. You always came back for me, you said to protect me and now I'm going to do the same for you."

"To protect me?"

"Yes, Ethan, to protect you, and to watch out for you, and take care of you. Because you're my little brother, and- and I love you Ethan." Cal said, finally letting the sobs escape. Ethan looked at his brother, sobbing next to him and he felt his heart wrench. The sadness but overwhelming love in his words hit Ethan like a train, and before he knew it, he was crying too. He threw his arms around his brother, needing the closeness and comfort that only he could provide, that's all they could give to each other in that moment, but in that moment, it was all that they needed; because although neither knew they could promise the other that it would all be ok, they knew that whatever happened, whatever life threw at them, they would have each other and they would face it together, good or bad.

And both of their Mother's would be so proud.


End file.
